I'm generally a very easy going person. It takes a lot to make me mad. Well, okay... I get mad easily. I guess I should say it takes a lot to make me mad enough that I'll show it or that you know my anger is directed towards you. I let a lot of stuff go. Sometimes the little things accumulate to make one giant clusterfuck and when it reaches that point.. it's a shitshow. What are the things that cause my anger you ask?
Driving slow in the fast lane.
Motherfucker, no. You don't do that. The slow lane was created for people that are going to drive 10 miles under the speed limit and for old people with limited sight distance that really shouldn't be driving but they are independent bastards so they do anyway. The fast lane was created for people that are going to go fast. It was also created for passing. I can't fucking go around you if I've got 87 year old Edna with a bum leg and fucking cataracts staring through Coke bottle glasses in the right lane and you're taking your sweet ass time going to Wal Mart or wherever the hell your destination is. Sometimes you're also putting on make-up. That shit sends me over the edge. You are causing me to be late to my ALWAYS IMPORTANT SHIT because you're applying your Smackers lip gloss. If you're going to do that, move your hunk of fucking metal over into the left lane with one-eyed Edna and drive like handicapped sloth over there.
Insisting on Having the Last Word:
My sister is the QUEEN of this. She's 17 years old and she lives to piss me off. Usually I can blow her off, but if I've had enough and she does this we've been known to have a throw down in the front yard. It usually begins with me having a bad day. Little things happen. A bad test grade. Someone pulled out in front of me. A bird shit on my door handle. Small things that accumulate to create a growing, hidden pool of fuck you. She arrives wherever I am. I begin a conversation and since she hasn't been the cause of any of my little problems-- I'm nice and friendly. She answers me with an attitude. I immediately realize that she's being a little bitch, but I continue the conversation because as I said earlier, I let a lot of stuff go. She answers with an attitude again. It's growing more difficult for me to be nice, so I tell her to shut up and forget it. She has a very calm response, but it you know she's doing it to be an asshole. The conversation usually goes like this:
Me: Blah blah blah.
Sister: Attitude.
M: You know what? Just shut up and forget it.
S: Okay.
M: Seriously. Just stop it.
S: Okay.
M: Just leave me alone and stop answering me.
S: Okay.
M: STOP IT.
S: I don't have to.
M: YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF.
S: I know.
M: YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE BITCH.
S: I know.
(At this point I know that she's baiting me, but I'm so pissed off that I don't care.)
M:I WISH I COULD BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
S: Go ahead.
M: ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR DAMN NOSE!
S: I'm sure you will.
This usually results in a physical fight.
For the love of God. Don't do this to me. There is literally no faster way to piss me off.
School Work:
I like school. I like to learn. I'm not one of those kids that can stare at something for 10 seconds and know it forever. I make good grades, but I have to work at it. I'm best at English. I love to write. I do understand that there are kids out there who aren't good at writing. They just don't get it. I don't mind helping my friends out. Want me to read a paper? Okay. Want me to help you form your body paragraphs? Sure. Need work on an introduction? That's fine. But don't you fucking try to manipulate my kindness and get me to do it for you. Don't bring your introduction to me and ask how to write your body paragraphs because you didn't read the whole book for the 3rd time, you lazy sack of shit. Don't fucking ask me to read your introduction for the 27th time so I can see if your thesis is good because you won't send the professor an email. And don't you dare get pissed at me when I don't know how to arrange your paper for the book you didn't read because I don't see how it relates to the topic. I don't mind helping people. I love it, actually. But I got where I am by asking the teacher questions, staying after class, reading the material, and learning from my mistakes. And Fuck You for trying to use me and my generosity as an out for your dumbass laziness.
Clingers:
These people piss me off. I understand that some people are needy. Got it. That's their personality and they can't help it. Cool. Okay. But there are situations that piss me off more than others: Dating. Recently, I attempted "get back on the horse" after being single for a while. The guy seemed nice enough. I gave it a shot. We hung out for two hours. It was fun. He was nice and he didn't seem like an asshole. Within 30 minutes of leaving I had a text message saying that he "wanted to get to know me better so we could turn this into something more." My warning flags went up, but I suppressed them in the excitement of someone new. Day 2: I worked on a paper, he sat in a chair beside me. There wasn't much discussion, but I didn't feel the "spark" that was there for my last two relationships. I also felt he was a little too immature for my liking. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just a personal preference. I talked to a couple of friends who convinced me to give it a shot anyway. Day 3: Good morning texts. Repeatedly telling me I'm a great person and he can't wait to get to know me. If I didn't answer within a few minutes another text was sent. More warning flags. Later that day I had a friend who I completely trust tell me that I needed to be careful. He confirmed my flags. I made the decision to ease out of it, figuring it would be easy since we'd seen each other like.. 8 hours total. Wrong. I broke the news to him. Nicely, I might add. A pity party was thrown and that pisses me off. He can coordinate an excellent guilt trip. I spent the next 3 hours apologizing for something that I shouldn't have to apologize for. It didn't work out like he wanted. Boo fucking hoo. Get over it. We've talked for 8 hours. I've taken shits longer than that.
Trying to tell me I don't know what's best for myself:
These people are are fucking stupid. Over the course of my life -- especially in the last few years -- I have realized that it's hard to trust people and even the people you trust will try to pull this shit. I ask for advice. I take advice. I listen to it. But I absolutely do not want you to tell me how to live my life or that I should live it like you do because yours is so fucking grand.
No, no I do not like alcohol. Because I don't like the taste of it. No I don't think this beer is going to be any better than the last beer I tried for you. No, I shouldn't learn to like it because you want me to party with you. No, I'm not a pussy, but you're a dick.
No, I don't smoke. You know that. Oh, you're talking about weed? Yeah, I don't do that either. It's relaxing you say? So is fishing and that's not illegal. It's fun too? I bet that class that you failed will be even more fun the second time you take it. No, I'm not a pussy, but you're a douche bag.
Yeah, I'm still single. Oh, that guy? I just didn't feel anything. Yes, I do believe two days is enough time to tell if someone is worth pursuing. Yes, you told me that it took you 3 months to feel something for your boyfriend. Yes, I took that into consideration. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted me to be happy. You do? Well why would you want me to settle for someone that doesn't make me happy? So I would at least have someone around, you say? No, I don't need to "get back on the horse" that bad. I raised my standards since my last relationship. I'm never going accept less than I think I deserve again. No, that doesn't make me a high maintenance bitch, but it does make you an inconsiderate asshole.
There is nothing more infuriating than having someone tell me how to live my life. Especially after I have made a decision for myself and someone tells me I'm stupid because it wasn't how they would have handled the situation. Fuck you, you're a horrible person
There are several other ways to piss me off. Smacking your food, squeaking your wet shoes on the tile floor, farting in an elevator. But those things up there? Don't fucking do them. They should piss everyone off, not just me. If you do these things, you are a horrible person.
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