It's that time of year.

The forecast for the next 8 days calls for one giant shitstorm with a 95% chance of headaches and loss of sleep. A clusterfuck is moving in near the beginning of next week and it appears to be slow moving; leaving a trail of destruction, chaos, and insanity in it's path.

-Welcome to finals week.

It doesn't help that all your professors believe that their class IS the center of the universe. What? You're taking 4 other classes besides mine?! WELL WHO GIVES A FUCK.

I figure the only way that I'm going to get it all done is it I don't shit, shave, or sleep.
I've got a stress related eye twitch and a head ache already.

If Betty White can do this so can I

I recently acquired a Twitter. I sent my first Tweet.
#whatthefuckdoIdonow?    <-- is that even how that works?
Fail. :(

The Curse.

My parents are pretty great people. My dad has always wanted my sister and me to have better than he did. It doesn't matter what it is, he just wants us to have better.
I think I was around 10 when I started looking at cars on the highway. I would look at mom and tell her I wanted this car and then it would change to that car and so on. When I turned fifteen I started looking at them on the internet. And bless my dad's heart.. I chose a mustang. I just had to have a mustang. Mustang this, mustang that. I'm pretty sure my mom hated me a week after I made that decision. She was totally against it but I am daddy's little girl. He talked her into it and about a month before my 16th birthday we found one and went and got it. It was perfect. Lemon yellow. It was love at first sight. We brought it home and I was told I couldn't drive it until I was 16. That was a long month..

About two weeks after I got my license I was making a food run for a camp I was working at. I was going to have to pull across the road to make it to Subway. I didn't see anything once I got in the turning lane and I went on across. I heard this screeching sound and then the BAM! My passenger side door had an SUV stuck in it. I immediately started squalling. There were two people in the car and the woman came around and opened my door. She asked me if I was okay and I told her I was. She was pretty mean about it, though. And then she told me the words I never want to hear again in my entire life. "I'm sorry, but you should know that you just hit a cop." A cop. A mother fucking cop. I lost it. The woman asked me what my name was and I told her. I included my dad's name too because he used to be a cop before I was born. She got nice real quick after that. I called my dad and he called someone to come sign for me so they wouldn't have to take me away in the freaking ambulance because he was about 40 minutes away. So there I sat in the middle of the road with an ambulance, a fire truck, 5 cars that had stopped because they knew me. It was a fucking party.

A higher insurance bill and a new car door later I was driving home from my best friends house. Let's call her.. B. B had gotten up early to go do something boyfriend related so I woke up and was heading back to my house. I had stopped pulling across the road after my first accident so I was going the back way. There is a little 4 way stop on the back side of town. I pulled up first and this car pulled up after me but he was on my left. My right of way. I went and got about halfway through when he hit me. I don't know what he was thinking or if he just didn't notice the bright yellow mustang going in front of him but he hit me. Right smack in the middle of my car. I was SO mad. I mean, it's one thing to not see a car but to have one right in front of you at a 4 way? Come on, man. I called my dad. He was out of town.. again, and then I called B. The conversation went something like this:

B: Hello?

Me: SOMESONOFABITCHMOTHERFUCKERJUSTRANTHEFUCKING4WAYINTOMYDRIVERSIDEDOOR!!!!!

B: Uh.. what?

Me: SOMEBODY. JUST. FUCKING. RAN. INTO. MY. MOTHER. FUCKING. CAR. DAMN. IT.

B: Are you okay!?

Me: YES I'M FUCKING OKAY. DON'T I SOUND FUCKING OKAY? I'M FUCKING OKAY EXCEPT MY FUCKING DRIVERS SIDE DOOR IS FUCKING SMASHED IN. FUCK!

B: Calm down. It's okay.

Me: I KNOW IT'S OKAY. EXCEPT THE SHIT IT'S NOT BECAUSE THIS IS THE SECOND FUCKING ACCIDENT I'VE BEEN IN AND I HAVEN'T FUCKING HAD MY DAMN LICENSE FOR 4 MONTHS.

B: .....

Me: .............

B: I'll stop by your house later.


I had to drive around for like 3 months with my drivers side door caved in because the insurance company are a bunch of slackers. I had gotten it fixed and a couple weeks later I was going to our high school to watch my sister play basketball. It was a big rivalry game and the team we were playing was really rough. Their point guard was a little bitch. She slammed our PG's head. -lets call her Em- on the floor and gave her a concussion. It was a long tiring game but we came out the winner. After it was over a friend of mine- let's call him Ronald- asked me to drive him to his car out town. Another friend of ours had been sledding and hit a bank and got a concussion. He wanted to go to the emergency room to see her. We pulled out of the high school to go north and I got into the passing lane. About 60 yards from where you pull out is a turning lane so you can go back south. It was dark and I was nearing up to about 55 mph. I got close to the turning lane and I could see the other team's school bus. One blink it was in the turning lane. Two blinks it was in the passing lane. Three blinks I had slammed on my breaks and driven my car up under the back of the bus. I heard this horrible screeching sound and then a lot hissing and popping and then silence. Or maybe it was loud. I don't know. I had just slammed my car into a school bus.
I looked over at Ronald to make sure he was okay. He said that he was and then he called our friend, Shine, that was still at the game. While that was going on the other team's families stopped on side of the road and ran over to help us. They were super nice to us and very concerned. They helped us out of the car and stood with us until my parents got there. I was crying again. Not because I was hurt. Once I had gotten out of my car I looked in the road and there was a big hunk of metal sitting on it. The remnants of the front of my car:(.

My parents arrived and there was a lot of hugging and a lot of reassuring. The ambulance arrived soon after that. That was probably the thing I hated most. I don't like being the center of attention and EVERYONE was staring at me and I was the main focus. The EMT that was on call that night.. well let's just say I knew her by name at this point. She wanted to make sure I didn't have any broken bones so she strapped me in the seat inside the ambulance (I was NOT going to lay on the bed) and took me to the hospital. There were no broken bones. Just a few bruises on my knee caps from where my knees hit the steering wheel and the dash. I went home and my mom gave my phone back to me which she had taken away because I was 'distracted' when the doctor tried to talk to me. Whatever. The first thing I did was text Em. All I said was "I got them back for you."

Later I was told about what happened in the gym while I was sitting in the middle of the road. Apparently some people that knew me had watched the accident and called my parents at the same time Ronald had called Shine. Shine had pretty much jumped the bleachers and sprinted across to the other side to tell my family. She said "It was the weirdest thing. Right before I could tell them the entire section of (insertlastnamehere) stood up in unison and sprinted out the door. I've never seen anything like it."

:(

My car was totaled but it wasn't my fault. I drive a 4 Runner now. It's nothing like my mustang. It's not as fast, it doesn't have good gas mileage, but I haven't been in a wreck yet. Knock on wood. My friends would come up and tell me 'The curse of the yellow mustang is over.. but I'm still not riding with you.'

Pretty bird.

I came home this weekend to spend time with my family. There's never a dull moment with them around. True to my expectations, my mom just yelled at me to come outside. My dad wanted to show my sister and me something. I walked out the front door and he was holding a bird. We don't own a bird.

There have been several occasions where one has flown into our glass door and stunned itself. I've gone outside, picked it up, and 'nursed' it back to health. It usually only takes a few minutes and then they repay me by shitting on my hand and flying away.

This wasn't one of those cases. It was completely healthy! And so pretty! We didn't know what it was so my mom went to look it up. While she was gone we had to find somewhere to put it. Because we don't own a bird we don't have any cages that are bird appropriate. Until I saw the fire pit. If you ignore the fact that it's built for holding fires it's pretty much the perfect bird cage! We cleaned it out really good and put the bird down in it. He seems happy.

Makeshift bird cage.

My mom used to work with a woman whose husband is a park ranger. He knows his animals. I sent a picture to her and she told me it was a parakeet. A blue parakeet to be exact. Those are not native to my county. They are not even native to my state. That lead me to the conclusion that my dad caught someones pet bird.  Dad is so excited about it. He was all "We're keeping this until someone calls about it! I caught it and it's from the wild! I had to remind him that it wasn't exactly from the wild and there was no telling where it was from because birds have wings and they can travel long distances, but that didn't dampen his spirits. The bird is now living on my front porch. In the fire pit.

I'm naming him Petey.

Have your balls dropped yet?

As an art major I am subjected to strange things every day. I'm not accustom to having someone walk in the room and the instructor be all "Oh, we're just looking at naked pictures." That's strange. But I can deal with it. If naked pictures were the only thing that I've seen in this past week I would be a happy camper.


On my first day of 2D Design our professor sat us down, gave us our syllabus and told us to come into the projector room because she wanted to show us a video. First we watched this:

That was probably one of the strangest things I had seen next to a Lady Gaga video or the text my friend sent me of that girl fucking a horse. I mean, who ties people up and makes them stare at shadow puppets? That's a different level of crazy. And why does the narrator keep saying what he thinks the characters should think? Is he that fucking insightful? Well come on down Dr. Fucking Phil! Tell me how what you think I would feel after being chained in a cave all my life and having to watch shadow puppets all day!

It took me a couple of days to finally forget about how bizarre that video was. And then we were showed another one. I'm almost positive that this will follow me to my grave.

                                                     Mathew Barney: The Cremaster

Our professor was all excited and she goes "Guess what it means!!" Some guessed a baby in the womb and others guessed something about sex. It was in the ball park.. I guess.  

"The project is filled with anatomical allusions to the position of the reproductive organs during the embryonic process of sexual differentiation: Cremaster 1 represents the most "ascended" or undifferentiated state, Cremaster 5 the most "descended" or differentiated. The cycle repeatedly returns to those moments during early sexual development in which the outcome of the process is still unknown.." 

 Yeah. I totally would have guessed that one. So.. basically this is about someone's balls dropping. Or not dropping. That is the question. And it's supposed to be about his dreams? I don't know. I don't think I will ever know. Apparently there are five three hour long videos out there floating around in cyber space. And in art galleries. Maybe if I watched those I could understand what it means. Most likely I will still believe that this is some pervert taking way too many drugs and having a lot of free time. I appreciate art. I do. That's why I'm an art major.. but there are just some things that will never make sense to me. And the Cremaster Cycle is on top of that list.

In other news: I was laying on my bed typing this post and my air conditioner shot out what looked to be rocks. It was loud and it scared the shit out of me. You know that sound your vacuum cleaner makes when you suck up a bunch of rocks? Multiply that by about 15 and you will get how loud it was. I sat there for a moment to let my heart rate return to normal and then it did it again. I got up to investigate and it was ice. My air conditioner is fucking frozen. It shoots out ice. That would be good if I needed a cold drink, but I need a cold room. I'm going to have to let it thaw out. Because that's what air conditioners are meant for.

God punishes you for stealing.

My life is filled with a series of events so unfortunate and strange that I will get texts from my friends saying things like "Omg! I saw something that you would have seen today!" or "Your bad luck has rubbed off on me." I live in a little town that is filled with the most beautiful mountains. We have lakes, creeks, and waterfalls. You name it, we have it. When I feel overwhelmed I get in my car, roll down the windows and I ride. There is nothing more relaxing than that. One day one of my best friends.. let's call her Buddy. Buddy was feeling particularly overwhelmed and I told her that we would go riding and let her blow off some steam. We set out around lunch time. I knew of this awesome little waterfall off the road about a mile. It's not remote. There is a little camp site set up beside it. Granted it is a basically a stick with a tarp over it. I had been there plenty of times before and no one had ever been there.

Not fucking going there again.

Buddy and I drove up to the little area and got out. We walked the short distance to the falls and I let her enjoy it. We didn't stay long. We had other places to go. On our way out she noticed a wooden sign. It had a ghost on it and it said Happy Halloween. I didn't understand why the fuck it there was a sign that said Happy Halloween because it wasn't October. It was March. Buddy wanted to steal it real bad. I figured since it wasn't Halloween and the camp was completely deserted no one would miss it. I opened the door to my car and she was shoving it in when I heard the gravel popping. I looked up and this old beat up Explorer was pulling in. I pretty much went into super human speed mode. I practically threw that board in the back of my car, shoved Buddy into the passenger side and was backing out when I looked over and the car had blocked me in. 5 men got out of the car with 36 pack of beer. I'm not entirely sure that the word 'bath' was in their vocabulary. The oldest one was around 60.. at least I think he was. He was real dirty. He motioned for me to stop. Since he basically had me blocked in and he saw me steal his sign I couldn't do anything other than stop. He walked over to my window and told me to roll it down. I did about half way. Also, I kept my car in reverse just in case I needed to commit a hit a run. I'm not that stupid. We had a conversation. It went like this.

Old Man: Hi, my name is Lenny. I live 'n that tent over there.

Me: Hello.. my name is Me.

OM: Nice tuh meecha. What's yur friends name?

Me: Buddy.

And then he shook our hands.

OM: Did y'all go out ta the falls? They sure are pretty. If y'all want ta get out again I could take you back over there. I live here. In that tent. I know the falls real well.

Me: No thanks. We've got a lot of other places to go.

OM: Well that's a shame. If y'all ever want to come back you can. I live here. I'd sure like to have some visitors.

Me: We may do that, sir. The fuck we will. It was nice meeting you! 

OM: It was nice meeting you too. Like I said, I live here and y'all can come back! I went to the high school here. I know this place real well.

And then he shook our hands again.

I rolled up my window and floored it the fuck out of that place. I was fish tailing and slinging gravel everywhere. Buddy and I applied hand sanitizer. It was creepy, but he was nice. I kind of felt bad for stealing his sign. I told Buddy we would take it back one day when he wouldn't be there. As nice as he was I did not want to go 'See the falls' with him.

Buddy and I went on the rest of our adventure and I took her home. I was laying in bed that night and I got a text from her. She had told her mom about meeting Lenny. Her mom had gone to high school with him way back when. Apparently, sometime after graduating there was a warrant out for his arrest. He had chased some woman through her house and tried to rape her. I SHOOK HANDS WITH A FUCKING RAPIST. Beside his tent. A mile off the road. WITH NO SERVICE. Talk about an eye opening experience. It was then that I realized what God had done. He didn't let the man get us, but he sure as shit let us know that we shouldn't ever steal anything again. Even if it was a wooden sign that said Happy Halloween.

The Transition.

I am a college student. I have been for exactly thirteen days. So far the transition has been basically what I thought it would be. Sizing up the professors, walking awkwardly into class and looking for a familiar face, and trying your damnedest not to make a fool out of yourself in front of all the cute boys. People watching is a must during your first few days. You see people and give them a nickname based on what you think they are like. Sometimes it sticks and sometimes it is so totally off base that you feel horrible  for even thinking about that name when you actually get to know them. I try really hard not to judge.. really. I do. So I'm going to say that I didn't judge.. I just pointed out the obvious.

First you need to know that on arrival the college provided us with a little 'care package.' It included a water bottle, a tape measure, a shirt, and a little draw string bag.

Anyway, on the second day of orientation the alumni held a cookout for the incoming freshman. My roommate and I sat on a bench overlooking the Quad. I swear to you. It was like a scene right out of a movie. You had the slutty girls trying to impress the boys with their awesome football throwing skills. You had the normal kids playing a massive game of volleyball. You had the jocks sitting around being.. well, jocks. And finally there was the lame music that the DJ thinks is appropriate for 18 year old kids. My roommate.. lets call her Candy. Candy and I were people watching. Particularly the volleyball players. There were so many of them crammed into that little square that if they turned too fast they would run face first into each other. There was this one kid that stood out. You know the kind. The one that really really wants to make friends but isn't athletic, and pretty much lacks all acceptable social skills? Yeah. That kid. Bless his heart. He had his pants pulled up to his boobs. His shirt was tucked in. And he had his water bottle clipped to his belt loop. Water Bottle, as we dubbed him, was running around after every ball and he was serving with a stiff right hook. It was sad. I was sad for him. I expressed my sadness to Candy. She told me that I should go give him pointers. I was sad, but I wasn't that sad. There are rules you have to follow when you are making the transition into college life. You can care about others. You should care about others and be nice to them. But if you don't make friends first, you will be the kid with the water bottle clipped to her belt loop.