June Bugs:
June Bugs are relatively harmless. They fly around in your grass during the summer and go away the rest of the year. I think that's great because that means I only have to sprint through my front yard like a drunken lunatic a few weeks out of the year. Why would I be scared of a June Bug you ask? They are harmless, or I thought they were until my childhood was ruined by grandmotherly fun.
My Mamaw and I were very close before she passed away when I was in 3rd grade. I used to go to her house all the time and during the summer we would always go outside and catch June Bugs. I was probably 6 or 7 at the time this took place. I don't know about your grandparents, but Mamaw would always catch a June Bug and tie a piece of thread to it's leg and let me fly it around like a little kite. That was the coolest shit ever. I always loved that. One day we were sitting on the front porch and she had caught me a June Bug and I was flying that bastard everywhere. It was buzzing in circles and we were having a great time. I remember I was laughing and I watched it fly up in the air and then it flew back at my face like a missile and it attached itself to my upper lip. It grabbed my fucking upper lip with its grubby little feelers and started pulling it back and forth. I screamed. I couldn't get it off. I was 6 years old, running around on the front porch with a June Bug kite attached to my lip. Mamaw couldn't help me. She was laughing too hard which traumatized me all the more. Finally she composed herself long enough to rip that thing off and throw it in the yard. I've never been the same. I'm 18 years old and I KNOW they won't hurt me but I still run through the yard like I've got a rabid beast on my tail.
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| Harmless my asshole. NO ONE IS SAFE. NO ONE. |
Bees/Wasps:
I've never really known what it's felt like to be stung by a bee. My sister used to get stung all the time and I'd made it through life completely unscathed until I was about 13 years old.
We live in a small town and at the time there wasn't a Lowes or Home Depot to shop at. We had to drive 30 minutes to get to the closest one. We made a family trip up there because my sister and I were too young to stay alone for an extended period of time. My Papaw needed to go too, so he also made the trip. It was still early spring so it was warm enough for a t-shirt, but cold enough that you still needed pants. We got out, shopped, and came back to get in the car. There was a yellow jacket buzzing around us and it was getting kind of close to my face, so I swatted at it and got in the car. I didn't think anything of it and put my seat belt on and we went to McDonalds to get some fries. On our way home I was eating my little box of fries and I felt something kind of tickle my leg. I shifted positions and it stopped. We continued down the road and I felt it again, only this time it was higher and it felt like it was crawling. I mashed down on it before thinking and I'll be damned if that little fucker yellow jacket that I swatted at hadn't crawled up my pants and GET STUCK IN MY THIGH. I had ridden in the car AT LEAST 15 minutes. I threw my fries everywhere and started screaming -- trying to take my pants off. My dad pulled over and mom got out and we pulled my pants down right there on the side of the road. My little white ass was a shining everyone. Mom took a Kleenex and scraped the guts and smushed wings off my leg and pulled the stinger out. I did some deep breathing and tried to compose myself. After a few minutes of that I pulled my pants up with what little dignity I had left and got back in the car. I've never been stung since, but that one time will do me for the rest of my life.
Spiders:
Spiders are the worst things ever. It doesn't matter if they are big or small. They are bad. And evil. Grandaddy Long legs? Get the fuck out. Little black spiders? Hell no. But you have to deal with them. It's inevitable. But one thing you shouldn't count on? Mutant spiders the size of a fucking apple. I was at my house with a friend of mine. We were watching Juno. The TV is the focal point of the room with our fireplace and rock hearth to the right of it. I just happened to look down and see this black blob in the floor. I thought my dog had pooped or maybe we had left a sock in the floor so I got up to investigate. Oh, how wrong I was. As I got closer I could make out the shape. It was a spider. A huge, mutant, I swear to God the size of an apple, spider. I squealed and told my friend to come kill it. It turns out, she is equally afraid of spiders and wouldn't touch it. I wasn't going to touch it and risk losing a limb and of course there were no adults within 20 minutes of us. My parents gone somewhere and hers at a party. Our movie sat unwatched as we focused on the spiders every move. It went in front of the tv and circled around back. My dog, who was known to eat bugs and spiders was trying to get near it. I had to grab her and keep her with me because if she had eaten it, it would have killed her. Finally, it started getting really close to us.. probably within 10 feet, and my friend called her parents. Of course, they were pissed that we called them about a spider, but she was on the verge of tears so they said they would be there in 10 minutes. 10 minutes. 10 feet. We couldn't stand on the floor. What if it came after us? I couldn't put my dog down. What if she ate it? So we spent the next 10 minutes furniture hopping. That thing got right under our coffee table which I was standing on. It was massive. It had some beef on it. Hairy.. geez. I just got goosebumps. Her parents still weren't there and I couldn't let it go under the sofa where it was headed next or we'd lose it forever. I took a hardback book that my mom had on the table and I lifted it up as high as I could, aimed, and slammed it down right on top of the spider. Fucking spider babies went everywhere. Thousands of them. I screamed. My friend screamed just as her parents were walking in the door. They were laughing at us of course but all the laughter stopped as soon as her dad picked up the book and saw the spider and it's babies. He stomped all over them and flushed what he could. It was easily one of the nastiest things I had ever seen. I had to Google that later so I could find out what it was. It turns out the spider was a wolf spider and they carry their babies on their backs.
I'd show a picture but it's 12:17 am and I will literally have nightmares because spiders scare me so much. You'll have to Google wolf spider with babies on it's back yourself.
I've had some other unfortunate encounters with bugs. The worst is being in the shower minding your own business and looking up to find a spider staring at you while you're naked. I can't get out of there fast enough. It scares the hell out of me every time. But those three examples are why I'm a little chicken shit. After dealing with all that if I want to ask my dad to kill a bug, I'm going to. The only good bug is a dead bug and I don't think women's rights are worth shit if it means I can't as a man to do my bug squashing.
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