Shit my professors say.

I seriously think I have the coolest professors of all time. There isn't a classroom I've gone into where I haven't found myself laughing so hard that tears are pouring out of my eyes. I'll give you the story behind some of these quotes and others I'll leave completely out of context because it makes that shit so much better.

History Professor:
"Those sad, political bastards don't know what the hell they're doing in my opinion."

"They threw a baby through the window!"

"Try to stay awake. I know it's hard.. BUT IT'S WORLD WAR ONE GUYS!"

"Have you guys seen that movie? It had a really good plot. I mean, most of it could be classified as a porno... but I liked it."

"I know you've had sex ed. Surely you know that you can get pregnant from pre-ejaculate. That is the white fluid that comes out prior to ejaculation. I believe you young folks call it "pre cum" It's basic stuff, really."

"No cell phones in class, please. I know you're doing it too. Most people don't stare down at their crotch and smile. And most people don't fiddle with their crotch either. Unless you're masturbating back there.. I hope you're not. Yes. I know you who you are."

Art Professor 1:

"It looks like a weenie."

"That looks like a weenie too.. "

"Did you just say penis? No?"

"Where is it? In this pocket? No? Over here? Here's your good attitude!" 

"When you burn this, it releases cyanide...Can you please close the doors?"

(To use her supplies we had exchange an item of ours so she would be sure to get her supplies back. I gave her my cell phone. She put it in her back pocket.)

"Oh.. I forgot to put my phone on silent. Sorry if it vibrates.."
"In that case, I'll put it in my front pocket."    <-- Top 20 most awkward moments of my life.


Art Professor 2:

"Shit. Damn. Shit. Shit. DAMMIT!"

"OH GOD. DON'T DROP THE EGG!"

"I'm a late bloomer."

"And when you all fail miserably, I'm going to laugh at you."

"That's the 6th time I've had the fire department called on me. Every time I fire up the Kiln, someone passes by and thinks there is a fire and calls it in. I've got people taking bets on how long they think it will take them to get here."

Art Professor 3: 

"Yeah... but we're not cats, are we?"

"mmmm... CHAIRS."

"That's nice.. yeah. Nice. Ooooh nice."

"Eventually you're going to want to draw the penis. Don't be afraid of it."

"I was out of cell service when my car broke down. I had to walk 4 miles to find a gas station."
-- "Weren't there any houses?"
"Well yeah.. but I hadn't shaved my beard. I was worried they would be scared of me."

"Those are good drawings! Except for that one... what happened there?"

"You know, that thing.. where a midget with dreads lays face down?"

"It's one of my hobbies... to tear the mica."

"I expect you to paint shoes perfectly. If you don't, you fail."

"TOO DARK TOO FAST ... here is okay.. but here.. TOO DARK!"

 "I was a vegetarian for a long time.. and one day I wanted eggs. So I ate them. They were good. I'm not a vegetarian anymore."

"I hate things that pretend to be apples."

"Hey... You ARE slow!"

"Yeah.. I've lived everywhere. I was homeless once. I lived in a warehouse... It was okay. I wouldn't recommend it." 

"I know! I couldn't find y'all! I thought you guys had been held hostage! You know, because that happens sometimes!" 


And my personal favorite.. my English professor: 

"When I got married I had to let go of my nightlife, my dancing, and the bars.. but I wasn't losing my swearing."

"My mom hates it. She's like June Cleaver and she doesn't do a bad thing. She always tells me I need to stop swearing and I'm like Ma, I'm the one who got a PhD in English. I know when these words are appropriate. This is one of those times."

(Talking to me)
"I almost called you a bitch when you brought up John Travolta, but I figured telling you to shut up was a lot nicer."

"She's a huzzy! DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR PAPER."

"You only get to live once! If I want to go dancing, I'm going to go dancing! I don't give a rats ass!"

"Getting a PhD has it's perks. You should see my shoe collection."

"I'm a horrible mother. I've tried not to cuss around my daughter... When she was little my Mom was over at our house. My daughter was running around the house with one of those sock monkeys. She ran up to my mom and goes Grandma! Here! Catch the fucking monkey! As you can see... it didn't work."

"My daughter always tells me "Mom, you're not like other moms" Hell yeah, I'm not like other moms."

(Talking to me)
"I have a lot of faith in you. You're smart. But right now.. your writing sucks. Fix that."



I love my professors. Sometimes they make me mad, but then something like that will come out of their mouth and I have a whole new respect for them.