Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Shit My Boss Says

I work at my college's museum. It's a pretty cool job. I get to meet a lot of cool artists, see a lot of awesome work, and learn a lot about the "inside" job of being a museum curator. I also work with my boss.. which is the best part of my job. He is the funniest man on the planet. He's quirky, dresses nice (except for that one time he wore blue jeans with a blue jean jacket and a blue jean train conductor hat) but overall? Working for him is the high-lite of my week. My friends and I have kept a running score of things that he says while we're at work. Here is my first installment of Shit My Boss Says -- completely out of context.

"Let me know if you know of any good moonshine around here! Now, if I have it with me on the front, can I get in trouble for that?"

 "Look at all of this weight I'm gaining! (grabbing his stomach) Make it two slices of pizza, Sam!"

 "I'm getting ready for's gay men's month...even though I'm married...I want to stick up for my brothers...who like other brothers."

"Some people don't shave for prostate cancer in November, but I don't shave for an agenda...I just want to look like I feel on the inside."

"December doesn't pass without watching a Charlie Brown Christmas... DAMN RIGHT IT DOESN'T."

"I needed a new leather jacket, and I didn't want to pay full price, so I just went on Ebay and dusted off the ole Paypal account!"

 "I went to have a drink at the bar. Just a beer. Nothing much. And this guy came up to me and he was wasted. And he came up and smacked my ass..and I turned around and was like "I'm a married man and he was like me too! And so I was like well then what the fuck, man?!"

 "Guys really have the easy end of that stick. What we have.. we have a penis. I don't know how you go about switching those parts.. but .. because even if that person still had a sex change they would still have those parts. I don't know. I can't answer that."

 "Boy, I tell you what. He sure wears some tight pants doesn't he. I don't see how he sits down. You couldn't squeeze a nickle between..."

 "We were gathered around the flag pole with the haystack singers.. It's a christmas carol group. And I couldn't stop laughing because this guy had on the worst christmas sweater."

"You know what I can't stand? Bird sweatshirts."

 "When I was 21 my dad took me to a strip club...and they all knew him well."

 "Ke Francis sends his regards and I think he actually enjoyed coming to talk...he could tell you all were really little fuckers. You listen sometimes."

"At least you didn't shit your pants. that would have been awful."

"Hey, I made it in the timeline. I'm glad I made it on the same line as Whitney Houston dying of an overdose and a student getting arrested for playing with other boys."

"Convent College... I bet that's a party school."

"Hey, where's the swag at?"

"Did you lock the front door? Well for fucks sake! What am I paying you for?!" 

"Mother fucker! Shit! Sorry! I'm not supposed to cuss in front of you.. sorry. but.. MOTHER FUCKER! SHIT! I'M SORRY!"

No other boss will meet his standards.

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