Monday, July 23, 2012

It was a rhino. A big, grey, aerodynamic rhino.

Not long after I wrote my previous post about the family vacation, we stopped at Cracker Barrel: my least favorite place on earth. I don't know what it is about Cracker Barrel, but I fucking loathe that place. It puts me in a bad mood, my sister in a bad mood, and then shit goes down hill. We left the Cracker Barrel and I was able to fall asleep for about 45 minutes. I woke up in the 7th Level of Hell.

We had stopped at a gas station for a bathroom break and immediately after cutting off the engine it was like the sun shit on everything. The temperature went from a comfortable 72 degrees to a God-awful 103 and the humidity level rose to soup. I stand somewhere between 5'7-5'8. My cousin who shared the back seat with me stands somewhere around 6'0. He was stretched out across the back seat, on top of me.. for about 6 hours of that ride. That is what I woke up to. I was not happy. 

When we had left my house 7 hours prior to that stop our agreement had been that we switch drivers so no one had to be cooped up in the back seat of that fucking clown car for the entire trip. My sister immediately deemed herself and her boyfriend Queen Asshole and King Assbag of the front seat and we were banished to the back. The boyfriend went in to go to the bathroom and my cousin got up front to fiddle with the radio. Upon my sister's boyfriends return my cousin was told to "get back in the back" and then the boyfriend scooted the passenger seat as far back as it would go because "it hurt for his knees to touch the dash" taking all my leg room away in the process. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, the heat, or the cramped seating arrangement, but I snapped. I usually think out what I'm going to say to my sister when we argue and fight. I'm a planner. I either want it to be something we can laugh about later or if she's pissed me off enough I want it to hurt, but when I screamed "THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU HORRIBLE FUCKING BITCH" I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. I stormed out of the car, jumped in with my parents and spent the next two hours cramped up in that car. The vacation was beginning wonderfully.

We arrived at our condo. Our room wasn't ready. One pool was closed because someone shit in it. I got burnt so bad I had sun poisoning. Awesome.

The next day everything changed. It was awesome, fun, cool, the beginning of the best vacation ever. The 2nd and third day continued that trend minus the five hour fishing trip.. or boat ride. No fish were caught. The sun had exhausted me and the next day I slept in. It was around 12:00 the next afternoon when I had apparently missed about 15 phone calls. My best friend took it upon herself to wake me up. She came in, yanked off all my cover and tried to take my mattress off my bed. My sister saw what she was doing and ran in to help. She took off my shorts. I was rolled off into the floor.. half naked. My sisters boyfriend came in and all I could do was hold my hand over my vagina like a fig leaf. He brought in a fork. My sister used that to poke me in the ass. I was violated. Pictures were taken without consent. It was a bad afternoon.

That night I was bitten by sand fleas. 116 of them to be exact. I can't even describe how bad I was itching. I didn't sleep well for the rest of the week. But it turned out to be the best vacation I ever went on. It was one giant party. I left with 37 family members. And then the ride home occurred.

We had taken a rental car because my mom's 4-Runner was messed up. The air conditioning clicked the entire way back. It sounded like a blinker. I don't know if you've ever listened to a blinker for 8 hours, but they should use it as a torture device. Our GPS is a lying little bitch. I hate that thing more than I hate anything else in the world. She is a dumb fuckstick and she doesn't know what she's talking about so when our car broke down in the middle of fucking no where, Georgia I was ready to throw that damn curse out into the highway. This was 8 hours into the trip. By the time we reached Atlanta my back had molded to the seat and I'm pretty sure I had a severe case of Scoliosis. I was hungry, bored, and in a terrible mood. I had made it to the front seat, finally. My sister and her boyfriend had driven home and I was with my parents. My mom was at the wheel, I was in the passenger seat, and my dad was passed out on my pillow pet. We were barreling down the interstate heading towards our house when I saw something in the road. It looked sort of like a plastic bag.. only it turned out to be a lot more durable and a lot more aerodynamic. We hit that bitch and whatever it was made giant BOOM and I watched it fly out from under our car and rip the bumper off the car behind us. It fucking RIPPED. THE. BUMPER. OFF. My mom was flipping her shit. I was like "Uh.. mom.. their bumper is flapping in the wind.." and she floored it the fuck out of there. Fortunately, we made it home in one piece and I can absolutely say that the Griswold's don't have shit on us.


  1. Hilarious. We don't get to see the pictures taken without permission? lol

    1. Hahaha I'm pretty sure it's illegal. It was horrible.

  2. holy fucking shit ... I can't even imagine that kind of hell. Good on you for surviving that craziness.