Men. They are wonderful. They are helpful, funny, strong, and make good company. But I do not need a man to complete me. I am the only single girl out of all of my friends. ALL. OF. THEM. I have a lot of friends.
My last relationship was rough and it took me a long time to get over it. I kept hearing "Well you need to get back on the horse." "Don't let one man ruin you for another." "You'll find someone that's perfect for you!" "Don't be so picky." " Give someone a chance!" "Well he may not seem right now, but he could later!"
Jesus Christ. My last relationship took up 5 years of my life. I was in looooove. He treated me like shit and I just let him do it because I didn't want to lose him. Life events happened and I finally realized I was better than what he was giving me. But it wasn't like I flipped a switch and got over him the next day. It was long, tiring, and I learned so much about myself. In that process I realized what a good person I was. I set my standards high and my morals higher. And I refuse to lower my standards for any man ever again. I've attempted a couple of relationships since then.
Boy #1. - Playa, playa. <-- Bye bye, jackass.
Boy #2. "I think women should have to take care of the children. I feel sorry for all the single dads out there." <---- Oh, HELL no. Get THE FUCK out of my room!
All the time I've experienced these things I've told my friends about them. Each time I get responses like "Oh, give him a chance." "It's not that bad."
The hell it's not. I know who I am and what I want. I don't deserve any less than that and any man, any person that thinks lowly of you is not worth your shit! You think I'm screwed up because I'm single and have been for a while? Well you're pathetic for thinking that any of those things are marginally okay.
I was having a conversation with my professor about what career path I wanted to take. I'm still uncertain, and I mentioned in passing that "my track record with boys wasn't very good and if that didn't work out I wanted to be able to support myself." I think that is a perfectly reasonable statement.
She looked at me like I was a fucking loon. She said "You're 18! You can't say that. You're going to find someone!!"
Well what if I don't? Is there something wrong with that? Why is there something wrong with me being 18 and knowing what I want in a significant other? Why is it unacceptable to keep my standards high? Why do I have to have a man to complete me?
I don't.
But it is obvious that many women and girls think they do.
Like I mentioned earlier, I am the only single girl out of my group of friends. Most of them are young. Some are married. Several are engaged. Some are having kids. But every single one of them revolve their lives around their man and I never see them. Why? Why do you have to spend EVERY waking minute with your boyfriend? I was in love once. I do know what that is. I understand it. Yes, I wanted to spend a lot of time with him. But I never forgot my friends. I would always make time for them, no matter what. If they needed me -- I was there. If they missed me I would try to see them as soon as I could. I never once put my boyfriends existence in front someone else, ESPECIALLY a friend or a best friend. I don't feel like having a boyfriend, fiance.. whatever .. is a valid excuse to put your friends on the back burner. Doing so completely alienates the person or people that you need when you want to share your engagement or pregnancy. If you do that you may not have a shoulder to cry on if shit goes down hill with your man. It's going to be pretty fucking lonely.
I don't get it. I don't understand revolving your existence around someone with a penis. And apparently it makes me "dumb, closed off, high maintenance" and all those other adjectives I've been called. But you know what it really makes me? It makes me a good person. It makes me a strong person. I'm 18 years old and I know what the fuck is up. Who knows, I may find some freak of nature that can meet all the things that I want in a guy. But if I don't? You're not going to find me sniveling in a corner because I'm single. You're going to find me riding down the road in my Mustang GT 500 because I grabbed life by the balls, not a man by the balls, and made my own damn life.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Society is a hot mess.
Society is a hot mess. Wanna know why? This shit.
Reality TV.
When did society become so absolutely obsessed with other people's misfortune and drama? I hate reality TV. You want to know what's wrong with our teenagers these days? Just look at the people they watch on TV!
---Like Jersey Shore. Oh. My. God. I have to say before I go further that I did watch like.. half the first season of it just to see what it was about. I couldn't finish it. It was so.. horrible. I don't watch it anymore but that doesn't stop me from knowing when it comes on. Every time a new season comes out my Facebook is blown up with "OMG ITS JERSDAYYYYY THURSDAYYYYY!!!" "Jersey Shoreeeeeeeee!!"
If that was me on that show, my Momma would kick my ass. Everyone on that show is completely self absorbed with absolutely no motivation make anything of themselves. They are content with getting wasted every night, sleeping with everything that has two legs - maybe more, wearing things that would make Hugh Hefner blush, and spending all their money making themselves look like a carrot with teased up hair. Cheating? Totally acceptable. Sleeping with a different boy/girl every night? STD what? Alcohol poisoning? BRINNGGG ITTT ONNNN BITCHESSSS! And you wonder why our girls dress the way they do and you wonder why boys are such inconsiderate pricks. It's because the people they idolize on TV do it. If it's acceptable to them, it's gotta be okay for us to do it too. Bull shit.
The Bachelor/Bachelorette
I hate this show even more than JerseyWhore Shore. This is another yearly thing that everyone gets sooooooo damn excited about. "Omg! Who is he going to pick! Oh, she's so stupid! Why did she pick him?!" I've tried to watch it. I've tried to like it. But I cannot understand, for the life of me, why you would go on a game show to fall in love. I can't get that through my head. Why? Isn't that like.. setting yourself up for failure? It's hard enough trying to find someone in the real world without 10 million people watching you. Now everyone knows all your dirty little secrets.
And the girls cry. They cry so much. It's unbelievable. Aww.. honey. Why are you crying? You're in love with him and he doesn't love you? Well how long were you together? 3 weeks? FUCK YOU ARE YOU STUPID? DRY IT UP AND GO MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF!
And what's with the proposal at the end? You've had like 3 months to get to know someone. I do realize there are some very happy people out there that have been proposed to/gotten married in that same time frame and are very happy, but they didn't have to compete with 56 other people. You have not had an adequate amount of time to get to know someone. You do not propose. And then everyone is shocked when it doesn't work out. ....No shit it didn't work out. While you were busy flaunting your body and overplaying your emotions to get a rose, so were the 198 girls/boys that he/she was making out with. You cannot have a stable relationship if you're "test driving" other men or women. That is the exact same thing is cheating. It's not a real commitment and it's not going to work.
The Secret Life of the American Teenager.
I know this isn't reality tv, but while I'm hating on television I thought I might as well throw this in.
First off, it's pathetic that we actually have to have a show like this. That goes to show me how bad society has gotten. Someone felt a show like this would be successful because there is such a large audience.
Now for the reasons why I hate this show. It's entirely too much. When it was just about Amy being pregnant and trying to figure out how to raise a child, that was tolerable. But now? I can't keep up with all the stereotypical situations that have been crammed into that one tiny group of friends. The pregnant girl, the asshole boyfriend, the divorced parents, the younger sister wanting to create her own identity, the Christian girl that won't have sex with her jock boyfriend, the Jock boyfriend looking for sex somewhere else, the Christian girl finally has sex, the death of a parent, the special needs brother, the boyfriend that tries to marry the girlfriend, the divorced parents finding other people, the divorced parents trying to get back together, the gay kid, the slutty band girl, the slutty band girl gone good, the widow trying to date again, the kids living together, the single dad getting married, the single mom never being around.. My God. And I haven't seen the show in two years. That's only what I remember. There is no telling what has happened since then that I'm not aware of.
This is the most ridiculous show that I have ever seen. And it's so off base. I am 18 years old and I don't know a single teenager or group of teenagers that have so many problems. And to top that -- the parents. What parent is going to be REMOTELY okay with any of this?! As a teenager you do need your own freedom. And I do believe in that. You must have room to discover new things and learn about yourself. Your parents can't shelter you forever. But these parents are so nonchalant about their kids situations it's ridiculous. They are treating them like grown people, which they're not. And society loves this! They eat it up! I think Secret Life is on like season 5 or something. *Facepalm*
Getting out of the TV industry I am going to move towards the fashion industry/celebrities because that is as equally fucked up -- if not more.
Celebrities:
Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay Lohan....
(massive labored sigh) Lindsay Lohan :( Need I say more?
I am aware that she's not the only one but she's the prime example of a shit storm. And that's an understatement.
Models/Fashion.
You want to know why little girls are so self conscience? There's your answer. Who are you to tell someone that they are fat, ugly, or both? Who are they to tell someone they are fat, ugly, or both? How much do you have to weigh to be fat? What is considered fat? What is considered ugly? If you are going to be in the fashion industry you have to be skinny. You have to be beautiful because pretty doesn't cut it. The average model is 5'10" and 110 pounds. That's what girls see every time they go somewhere. Every store you walk into has something that is going to make you feel insecure. It doesn't even have to be real. Inanimate objects even judge you. The mannequins? Those are skinny mother fuckers. You can't walk into a store without seeing some naked mannequin and going "Man, that hunk of plastic is hot. I wish I was as skinny as that plastic mold" or "man.. that plastic person has great biceps. Why aren't my biceps that nice?" That Victoria's Secret poster? I can't walk into VS to buy a bra to make my 18 year old tits a little perkier without feeling like she's judging me from up on that wall with her glittery body and rock hard abs. I mean, come on. That is telling every child, teenager, and woman in American that they are only beautiful, sexy, and desirable if they can fit in a size 2.
I hate all that stuff. Hate it. I can't go to the mall without the mannequins judging me for my small pretzel bite and water and I can't turn on my tv without seeing some girl passed out on the ground with her ass in the air, some guy making out with 6 different people, or pregnant teenagers. Where's all the good stuff that I grew up on? Where's Andy Griffith? Where's The Nanny? Bring back the modesty! Less is more only applies with make up. Marilyn Monroe was a curvy lady. She is a damn American Icon and EVERYONE thinks she's hot! That's what society needs. It needs to get rid of this trash and bring back the good stuff. My God. We're going to hell in a hand basket.
Reality TV.
When did society become so absolutely obsessed with other people's misfortune and drama? I hate reality TV. You want to know what's wrong with our teenagers these days? Just look at the people they watch on TV!
---Like Jersey Shore. Oh. My. God. I have to say before I go further that I did watch like.. half the first season of it just to see what it was about. I couldn't finish it. It was so.. horrible. I don't watch it anymore but that doesn't stop me from knowing when it comes on. Every time a new season comes out my Facebook is blown up with "OMG ITS JERSDAYYYYY THURSDAYYYYY!!!" "Jersey Shoreeeeeeeee!!"
If that was me on that show, my Momma would kick my ass. Everyone on that show is completely self absorbed with absolutely no motivation make anything of themselves. They are content with getting wasted every night, sleeping with everything that has two legs - maybe more, wearing things that would make Hugh Hefner blush, and spending all their money making themselves look like a carrot with teased up hair. Cheating? Totally acceptable. Sleeping with a different boy/girl every night? STD what? Alcohol poisoning? BRINNGGG ITTT ONNNN BITCHESSSS! And you wonder why our girls dress the way they do and you wonder why boys are such inconsiderate pricks. It's because the people they idolize on TV do it. If it's acceptable to them, it's gotta be okay for us to do it too. Bull shit.
The Bachelor/Bachelorette
I hate this show even more than Jersey
And the girls cry. They cry so much. It's unbelievable. Aww.. honey. Why are you crying? You're in love with him and he doesn't love you? Well how long were you together? 3 weeks? FUCK YOU ARE YOU STUPID? DRY IT UP AND GO MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF!
And what's with the proposal at the end? You've had like 3 months to get to know someone. I do realize there are some very happy people out there that have been proposed to/gotten married in that same time frame and are very happy, but they didn't have to compete with 56 other people. You have not had an adequate amount of time to get to know someone. You do not propose. And then everyone is shocked when it doesn't work out. ....No shit it didn't work out. While you were busy flaunting your body and overplaying your emotions to get a rose, so were the 198 girls/boys that he/she was making out with. You cannot have a stable relationship if you're "test driving" other men or women. That is the exact same thing is cheating. It's not a real commitment and it's not going to work.
The Secret Life of the American Teenager.
I know this isn't reality tv, but while I'm hating on television I thought I might as well throw this in.
First off, it's pathetic that we actually have to have a show like this. That goes to show me how bad society has gotten. Someone felt a show like this would be successful because there is such a large audience.
Now for the reasons why I hate this show. It's entirely too much. When it was just about Amy being pregnant and trying to figure out how to raise a child, that was tolerable. But now? I can't keep up with all the stereotypical situations that have been crammed into that one tiny group of friends. The pregnant girl, the asshole boyfriend, the divorced parents, the younger sister wanting to create her own identity, the Christian girl that won't have sex with her jock boyfriend, the Jock boyfriend looking for sex somewhere else, the Christian girl finally has sex, the death of a parent, the special needs brother, the boyfriend that tries to marry the girlfriend, the divorced parents finding other people, the divorced parents trying to get back together, the gay kid, the slutty band girl, the slutty band girl gone good, the widow trying to date again, the kids living together, the single dad getting married, the single mom never being around.. My God. And I haven't seen the show in two years. That's only what I remember. There is no telling what has happened since then that I'm not aware of.
This is the most ridiculous show that I have ever seen. And it's so off base. I am 18 years old and I don't know a single teenager or group of teenagers that have so many problems. And to top that -- the parents. What parent is going to be REMOTELY okay with any of this?! As a teenager you do need your own freedom. And I do believe in that. You must have room to discover new things and learn about yourself. Your parents can't shelter you forever. But these parents are so nonchalant about their kids situations it's ridiculous. They are treating them like grown people, which they're not. And society loves this! They eat it up! I think Secret Life is on like season 5 or something. *Facepalm*
Getting out of the TV industry I am going to move towards the fashion industry/celebrities because that is as equally fucked up -- if not more.
Celebrities:
Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay Lohan....
(massive labored sigh) Lindsay Lohan :( Need I say more?
I am aware that she's not the only one but she's the prime example of a shit storm. And that's an understatement.
Models/Fashion.
You want to know why little girls are so self conscience? There's your answer. Who are you to tell someone that they are fat, ugly, or both? Who are they to tell someone they are fat, ugly, or both? How much do you have to weigh to be fat? What is considered fat? What is considered ugly? If you are going to be in the fashion industry you have to be skinny. You have to be beautiful because pretty doesn't cut it. The average model is 5'10" and 110 pounds. That's what girls see every time they go somewhere. Every store you walk into has something that is going to make you feel insecure. It doesn't even have to be real. Inanimate objects even judge you. The mannequins? Those are skinny mother fuckers. You can't walk into a store without seeing some naked mannequin and going "Man, that hunk of plastic is hot. I wish I was as skinny as that plastic mold" or "man.. that plastic person has great biceps. Why aren't my biceps that nice?" That Victoria's Secret poster? I can't walk into VS to buy a bra to make my 18 year old tits a little perkier without feeling like she's judging me from up on that wall with her glittery body and rock hard abs. I mean, come on. That is telling every child, teenager, and woman in American that they are only beautiful, sexy, and desirable if they can fit in a size 2.
I hate all that stuff. Hate it. I can't go to the mall without the mannequins judging me for my small pretzel bite and water and I can't turn on my tv without seeing some girl passed out on the ground with her ass in the air, some guy making out with 6 different people, or pregnant teenagers. Where's all the good stuff that I grew up on? Where's Andy Griffith? Where's The Nanny? Bring back the modesty! Less is more only applies with make up. Marilyn Monroe was a curvy lady. She is a damn American Icon and EVERYONE thinks she's hot! That's what society needs. It needs to get rid of this trash and bring back the good stuff. My God. We're going to hell in a hand basket.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Shit my professors say.
I seriously think I have the coolest professors of all time. There isn't a classroom I've gone into where I haven't found myself laughing so hard that tears are pouring out of my eyes. I'll give you the story behind some of these quotes and others I'll leave completely out of context because it makes that shit so much better.
History Professor:
"Those sad, political bastards don't know what the hell they're doing in my opinion."
"They threw a baby through the window!"
"Try to stay awake. I know it's hard.. BUT IT'S WORLD WAR ONE GUYS!"
"Have you guys seen that movie? It had a really good plot. I mean, most of it could be classified as a porno... but I liked it."
"I know you've had sex ed. Surely you know that you can get pregnant from pre-ejaculate. That is the white fluid that comes out prior to ejaculation. I believe you young folks call it "pre cum" It's basic stuff, really."
"No cell phones in class, please. I know you're doing it too. Most people don't stare down at their crotch and smile. And most people don't fiddle with their crotch either. Unless you're masturbating back there.. I hope you're not. Yes. I know you who you are."
Art Professor 1:
"It looks like a weenie."
"That looks like a weenie too.. "
"Did you just say penis? No?"
"Where is it? In this pocket? No? Over here? Here's your good attitude!"
"When you burn this, it releases cyanide...Can you please close the doors?"
(To use her supplies we had exchange an item of ours so she would be sure to get her supplies back. I gave her my cell phone. She put it in her back pocket.)
"Oh.. I forgot to put my phone on silent. Sorry if it vibrates.."
"In that case, I'll put it in my front pocket." <-- Top 20 most awkward moments of my life.
Art Professor 2:
"Shit. Damn. Shit. Shit. DAMMIT!"
"OH GOD. DON'T DROP THE EGG!"
"I'm a late bloomer."
"And when you all fail miserably, I'm going to laugh at you."
"That's the 6th time I've had the fire department called on me. Every time I fire up the Kiln, someone passes by and thinks there is a fire and calls it in. I've got people taking bets on how long they think it will take them to get here."
Art Professor 3:
"Yeah... but we're not cats, are we?"
"mmmm... CHAIRS."
"That's nice.. yeah. Nice. Ooooh nice."
"Eventually you're going to want to draw the penis. Don't be afraid of it."
"I was out of cell service when my car broke down. I had to walk 4 miles to find a gas station."
-- "Weren't there any houses?"
"Well yeah.. but I hadn't shaved my beard. I was worried they would be scared of me."
"Those are good drawings! Except for that one... what happened there?"
"You know, that thing.. where a midget with dreads lays face down?"
"It's one of my hobbies... to tear the mica."
"I expect you to paint shoes perfectly. If you don't, you fail."
"TOO DARK TOO FAST ... here is okay.. but here.. TOO DARK!"
"I was a vegetarian for a long time.. and one day I wanted eggs. So I ate them. They were good. I'm not a vegetarian anymore."
"I hate things that pretend to be apples."
"Hey... You ARE slow!"
"Yeah.. I've lived everywhere. I was homeless once. I lived in a warehouse... It was okay. I wouldn't recommend it."
"I know! I couldn't find y'all! I thought you guys had been held hostage! You know, because that happens sometimes!"
And my personal favorite.. my English professor:
"When I got married I had to let go of my nightlife, my dancing, and the bars.. but I wasn't losing my swearing."
"My mom hates it. She's like June Cleaver and she doesn't do a bad thing. She always tells me I need to stop swearing and I'm like Ma, I'm the one who got a PhD in English. I know when these words are appropriate. This is one of those times."
(Talking to me)
"I almost called you a bitch when you brought up John Travolta, but I figured telling you to shut up was a lot nicer."
"She's a huzzy! DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR PAPER."
"You only get to live once! If I want to go dancing, I'm going to go dancing! I don't give a rats ass!"
"Getting a PhD has it's perks. You should see my shoe collection."
"I'm a horrible mother. I've tried not to cuss around my daughter... When she was little my Mom was over at our house. My daughter was running around the house with one of those sock monkeys. She ran up to my mom and goes Grandma! Here! Catch the fucking monkey! As you can see... it didn't work."
"My daughter always tells me "Mom, you're not like other moms" Hell yeah, I'm not like other moms."
(Talking to me)
"I have a lot of faith in you. You're smart. But right now.. your writing sucks. Fix that."
I love my professors. Sometimes they make me mad, but then something like that will come out of their mouth and I have a whole new respect for them.
History Professor:
"Those sad, political bastards don't know what the hell they're doing in my opinion."
"They threw a baby through the window!"
"Try to stay awake. I know it's hard.. BUT IT'S WORLD WAR ONE GUYS!"
"Have you guys seen that movie? It had a really good plot. I mean, most of it could be classified as a porno... but I liked it."
"I know you've had sex ed. Surely you know that you can get pregnant from pre-ejaculate. That is the white fluid that comes out prior to ejaculation. I believe you young folks call it "pre cum" It's basic stuff, really."
"No cell phones in class, please. I know you're doing it too. Most people don't stare down at their crotch and smile. And most people don't fiddle with their crotch either. Unless you're masturbating back there.. I hope you're not. Yes. I know you who you are."
Art Professor 1:
"It looks like a weenie."
"That looks like a weenie too.. "
"Did you just say penis? No?"
"Where is it? In this pocket? No? Over here? Here's your good attitude!"
"When you burn this, it releases cyanide...Can you please close the doors?"
(To use her supplies we had exchange an item of ours so she would be sure to get her supplies back. I gave her my cell phone. She put it in her back pocket.)
"Oh.. I forgot to put my phone on silent. Sorry if it vibrates.."
"In that case, I'll put it in my front pocket." <-- Top 20 most awkward moments of my life.
Art Professor 2:
"Shit. Damn. Shit. Shit. DAMMIT!"
"OH GOD. DON'T DROP THE EGG!"
"I'm a late bloomer."
"And when you all fail miserably, I'm going to laugh at you."
"That's the 6th time I've had the fire department called on me. Every time I fire up the Kiln, someone passes by and thinks there is a fire and calls it in. I've got people taking bets on how long they think it will take them to get here."
Art Professor 3:
"Yeah... but we're not cats, are we?"
"mmmm... CHAIRS."
"That's nice.. yeah. Nice. Ooooh nice."
"Eventually you're going to want to draw the penis. Don't be afraid of it."
"I was out of cell service when my car broke down. I had to walk 4 miles to find a gas station."
-- "Weren't there any houses?"
"Well yeah.. but I hadn't shaved my beard. I was worried they would be scared of me."
"Those are good drawings! Except for that one... what happened there?"
"You know, that thing.. where a midget with dreads lays face down?"
"It's one of my hobbies... to tear the mica."
"I expect you to paint shoes perfectly. If you don't, you fail."
"TOO DARK TOO FAST ... here is okay.. but here.. TOO DARK!"
"I was a vegetarian for a long time.. and one day I wanted eggs. So I ate them. They were good. I'm not a vegetarian anymore."
"I hate things that pretend to be apples."
"Hey... You ARE slow!"
"Yeah.. I've lived everywhere. I was homeless once. I lived in a warehouse... It was okay. I wouldn't recommend it."
"I know! I couldn't find y'all! I thought you guys had been held hostage! You know, because that happens sometimes!"
And my personal favorite.. my English professor:
"When I got married I had to let go of my nightlife, my dancing, and the bars.. but I wasn't losing my swearing."
"My mom hates it. She's like June Cleaver and she doesn't do a bad thing. She always tells me I need to stop swearing and I'm like Ma, I'm the one who got a PhD in English. I know when these words are appropriate. This is one of those times."
(Talking to me)
"I almost called you a bitch when you brought up John Travolta, but I figured telling you to shut up was a lot nicer."
"She's a huzzy! DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR PAPER."
"You only get to live once! If I want to go dancing, I'm going to go dancing! I don't give a rats ass!"
"Getting a PhD has it's perks. You should see my shoe collection."
"I'm a horrible mother. I've tried not to cuss around my daughter... When she was little my Mom was over at our house. My daughter was running around the house with one of those sock monkeys. She ran up to my mom and goes Grandma! Here! Catch the fucking monkey! As you can see... it didn't work."
"My daughter always tells me "Mom, you're not like other moms" Hell yeah, I'm not like other moms."
(Talking to me)
"I have a lot of faith in you. You're smart. But right now.. your writing sucks. Fix that."
I love my professors. Sometimes they make me mad, but then something like that will come out of their mouth and I have a whole new respect for them.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
What's the quickest way to my heart? None of these things!
I'm generally a very easy going person. It takes a lot to make me mad. Well, okay... I get mad easily. I guess I should say it takes a lot to make me mad enough that I'll show it or that you know my anger is directed towards you. I let a lot of stuff go. Sometimes the little things accumulate to make one giant clusterfuck and when it reaches that point.. it's a shitshow. What are the things that cause my anger you ask?
Driving slow in the fast lane.
Motherfucker, no. You don't do that. The slow lane was created for people that are going to drive 10 miles under the speed limit and for old people with limited sight distance that really shouldn't be driving but they are independent bastards so they do anyway. The fast lane was created for people that are going to go fast. It was also created for passing. I can't fucking go around you if I've got 87 year old Edna with a bum leg and fucking cataracts staring through Coke bottle glasses in the right lane and you're taking your sweet ass time going to Wal Mart or wherever the hell your destination is. Sometimes you're also putting on make-up. That shit sends me over the edge. You are causing me to be late to my ALWAYS IMPORTANT SHIT because you're applying your Smackers lip gloss. If you're going to do that, move your hunk of fucking metal over into the left lane with one-eyed Edna and drive like handicapped sloth over there.
Insisting on Having the Last Word:
My sister is the QUEEN of this. She's 17 years old and she lives to piss me off. Usually I can blow her off, but if I've had enough and she does this we've been known to have a throw down in the front yard. It usually begins with me having a bad day. Little things happen. A bad test grade. Someone pulled out in front of me. A bird shit on my door handle. Small things that accumulate to create a growing, hidden pool of fuck you. She arrives wherever I am. I begin a conversation and since she hasn't been the cause of any of my little problems-- I'm nice and friendly. She answers me with an attitude. I immediately realize that she's being a little bitch, but I continue the conversation because as I said earlier, I let a lot of stuff go. She answers with an attitude again. It's growing more difficult for me to be nice, so I tell her to shut up and forget it. She has a very calm response, but it you know she's doing it to be an asshole. The conversation usually goes like this:
Me: Blah blah blah.
Sister: Attitude.
M: You know what? Just shut up and forget it.
S: Okay.
M: Seriously. Just stop it.
S: Okay.
M: Just leave me alone and stop answering me.
S: Okay.
M: STOP IT.
S: I don't have to.
M: YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF.
S: I know.
M: YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE BITCH.
S: I know.
(At this point I know that she's baiting me, but I'm so pissed off that I don't care.)
M:I WISH I COULD BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
S: Go ahead.
M: ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR DAMN NOSE!
S: I'm sure you will.
This usually results in a physical fight.
For the love of God. Don't do this to me. There is literally no faster way to piss me off.
School Work:
I like school. I like to learn. I'm not one of those kids that can stare at something for 10 seconds and know it forever. I make good grades, but I have to work at it. I'm best at English. I love to write. I do understand that there are kids out there who aren't good at writing. They just don't get it. I don't mind helping my friends out. Want me to read a paper? Okay. Want me to help you form your body paragraphs? Sure. Need work on an introduction? That's fine. But don't you fucking try to manipulate my kindness and get me to do it for you. Don't bring your introduction to me and ask how to write your body paragraphs because you didn't read the whole book for the 3rd time, you lazy sack of shit. Don't fucking ask me to read your introduction for the 27th time so I can see if your thesis is good because you won't send the professor an email. And don't you dare get pissed at me when I don't know how to arrange your paper for the book you didn't read because I don't see how it relates to the topic. I don't mind helping people. I love it, actually. But I got where I am by asking the teacher questions, staying after class, reading the material, and learning from my mistakes. And Fuck You for trying to use me and my generosity as an out for your dumbass laziness.
Clingers:
These people piss me off. I understand that some people are needy. Got it. That's their personality and they can't help it. Cool. Okay. But there are situations that piss me off more than others: Dating. Recently, I attempted "get back on the horse" after being single for a while. The guy seemed nice enough. I gave it a shot. We hung out for two hours. It was fun. He was nice and he didn't seem like an asshole. Within 30 minutes of leaving I had a text message saying that he "wanted to get to know me better so we could turn this into something more." My warning flags went up, but I suppressed them in the excitement of someone new. Day 2: I worked on a paper, he sat in a chair beside me. There wasn't much discussion, but I didn't feel the "spark" that was there for my last two relationships. I also felt he was a little too immature for my liking. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just a personal preference. I talked to a couple of friends who convinced me to give it a shot anyway. Day 3: Good morning texts. Repeatedly telling me I'm a great person and he can't wait to get to know me. If I didn't answer within a few minutes another text was sent. More warning flags. Later that day I had a friend who I completely trust tell me that I needed to be careful. He confirmed my flags. I made the decision to ease out of it, figuring it would be easy since we'd seen each other like.. 8 hours total. Wrong. I broke the news to him. Nicely, I might add. A pity party was thrown and that pisses me off. He can coordinate an excellent guilt trip. I spent the next 3 hours apologizing for something that I shouldn't have to apologize for. It didn't work out like he wanted. Boo fucking hoo. Get over it. We've talked for 8 hours. I've taken shits longer than that.
Trying to tell me I don't know what's best for myself:
These people are are fucking stupid. Over the course of my life -- especially in the last few years -- I have realized that it's hard to trust people and even the people you trust will try to pull this shit. I ask for advice. I take advice. I listen to it. But I absolutely do not want you to tell me how to live my life or that I should live it like you do because yours is so fucking grand.
No, no I do not like alcohol. Because I don't like the taste of it. No I don't think this beer is going to be any better than the last beer I tried for you. No, I shouldn't learn to like it because you want me to party with you. No, I'm not a pussy, but you're a dick.
No, I don't smoke. You know that. Oh, you're talking about weed? Yeah, I don't do that either. It's relaxing you say? So is fishing and that's not illegal. It's fun too? I bet that class that you failed will be even more fun the second time you take it. No, I'm not a pussy, but you're a douche bag.
Yeah, I'm still single. Oh, that guy? I just didn't feel anything. Yes, I do believe two days is enough time to tell if someone is worth pursuing. Yes, you told me that it took you 3 months to feel something for your boyfriend. Yes, I took that into consideration. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted me to be happy. You do? Well why would you want me to settle for someone that doesn't make me happy? So I would at least have someone around, you say? No, I don't need to "get back on the horse" that bad. I raised my standards since my last relationship. I'm never going accept less than I think I deserve again. No, that doesn't make me a high maintenance bitch, but it does make you an inconsiderate asshole.
There is nothing more infuriating than having someone tell me how to live my life. Especially after I have made a decision for myself and someone tells me I'm stupid because it wasn't how they would have handled the situation. Fuck you, you're a horrible person
There are several other ways to piss me off. Smacking your food, squeaking your wet shoes on the tile floor, farting in an elevator. But those things up there? Don't fucking do them. They should piss everyone off, not just me. If you do these things, you are a horrible person.
Driving slow in the fast lane.
Motherfucker, no. You don't do that. The slow lane was created for people that are going to drive 10 miles under the speed limit and for old people with limited sight distance that really shouldn't be driving but they are independent bastards so they do anyway. The fast lane was created for people that are going to go fast. It was also created for passing. I can't fucking go around you if I've got 87 year old Edna with a bum leg and fucking cataracts staring through Coke bottle glasses in the right lane and you're taking your sweet ass time going to Wal Mart or wherever the hell your destination is. Sometimes you're also putting on make-up. That shit sends me over the edge. You are causing me to be late to my ALWAYS IMPORTANT SHIT because you're applying your Smackers lip gloss. If you're going to do that, move your hunk of fucking metal over into the left lane with one-eyed Edna and drive like handicapped sloth over there.
Insisting on Having the Last Word:
My sister is the QUEEN of this. She's 17 years old and she lives to piss me off. Usually I can blow her off, but if I've had enough and she does this we've been known to have a throw down in the front yard. It usually begins with me having a bad day. Little things happen. A bad test grade. Someone pulled out in front of me. A bird shit on my door handle. Small things that accumulate to create a growing, hidden pool of fuck you. She arrives wherever I am. I begin a conversation and since she hasn't been the cause of any of my little problems-- I'm nice and friendly. She answers me with an attitude. I immediately realize that she's being a little bitch, but I continue the conversation because as I said earlier, I let a lot of stuff go. She answers with an attitude again. It's growing more difficult for me to be nice, so I tell her to shut up and forget it. She has a very calm response, but it you know she's doing it to be an asshole. The conversation usually goes like this:
Me: Blah blah blah.
Sister: Attitude.
M: You know what? Just shut up and forget it.
S: Okay.
M: Seriously. Just stop it.
S: Okay.
M: Just leave me alone and stop answering me.
S: Okay.
M: STOP IT.
S: I don't have to.
M: YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF.
S: I know.
M: YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE BITCH.
S: I know.
(At this point I know that she's baiting me, but I'm so pissed off that I don't care.)
M:I WISH I COULD BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
S: Go ahead.
M: ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR DAMN NOSE!
S: I'm sure you will.
This usually results in a physical fight.
For the love of God. Don't do this to me. There is literally no faster way to piss me off.
School Work:
I like school. I like to learn. I'm not one of those kids that can stare at something for 10 seconds and know it forever. I make good grades, but I have to work at it. I'm best at English. I love to write. I do understand that there are kids out there who aren't good at writing. They just don't get it. I don't mind helping my friends out. Want me to read a paper? Okay. Want me to help you form your body paragraphs? Sure. Need work on an introduction? That's fine. But don't you fucking try to manipulate my kindness and get me to do it for you. Don't bring your introduction to me and ask how to write your body paragraphs because you didn't read the whole book for the 3rd time, you lazy sack of shit. Don't fucking ask me to read your introduction for the 27th time so I can see if your thesis is good because you won't send the professor an email. And don't you dare get pissed at me when I don't know how to arrange your paper for the book you didn't read because I don't see how it relates to the topic. I don't mind helping people. I love it, actually. But I got where I am by asking the teacher questions, staying after class, reading the material, and learning from my mistakes. And Fuck You for trying to use me and my generosity as an out for your dumbass laziness.
Clingers:
These people piss me off. I understand that some people are needy. Got it. That's their personality and they can't help it. Cool. Okay. But there are situations that piss me off more than others: Dating. Recently, I attempted "get back on the horse" after being single for a while. The guy seemed nice enough. I gave it a shot. We hung out for two hours. It was fun. He was nice and he didn't seem like an asshole. Within 30 minutes of leaving I had a text message saying that he "wanted to get to know me better so we could turn this into something more." My warning flags went up, but I suppressed them in the excitement of someone new. Day 2: I worked on a paper, he sat in a chair beside me. There wasn't much discussion, but I didn't feel the "spark" that was there for my last two relationships. I also felt he was a little too immature for my liking. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just a personal preference. I talked to a couple of friends who convinced me to give it a shot anyway. Day 3: Good morning texts. Repeatedly telling me I'm a great person and he can't wait to get to know me. If I didn't answer within a few minutes another text was sent. More warning flags. Later that day I had a friend who I completely trust tell me that I needed to be careful. He confirmed my flags. I made the decision to ease out of it, figuring it would be easy since we'd seen each other like.. 8 hours total. Wrong. I broke the news to him. Nicely, I might add. A pity party was thrown and that pisses me off. He can coordinate an excellent guilt trip. I spent the next 3 hours apologizing for something that I shouldn't have to apologize for. It didn't work out like he wanted. Boo fucking hoo. Get over it. We've talked for 8 hours. I've taken shits longer than that.
Trying to tell me I don't know what's best for myself:
These people are are fucking stupid. Over the course of my life -- especially in the last few years -- I have realized that it's hard to trust people and even the people you trust will try to pull this shit. I ask for advice. I take advice. I listen to it. But I absolutely do not want you to tell me how to live my life or that I should live it like you do because yours is so fucking grand.
No, no I do not like alcohol. Because I don't like the taste of it. No I don't think this beer is going to be any better than the last beer I tried for you. No, I shouldn't learn to like it because you want me to party with you. No, I'm not a pussy, but you're a dick.
No, I don't smoke. You know that. Oh, you're talking about weed? Yeah, I don't do that either. It's relaxing you say? So is fishing and that's not illegal. It's fun too? I bet that class that you failed will be even more fun the second time you take it. No, I'm not a pussy, but you're a douche bag.
Yeah, I'm still single. Oh, that guy? I just didn't feel anything. Yes, I do believe two days is enough time to tell if someone is worth pursuing. Yes, you told me that it took you 3 months to feel something for your boyfriend. Yes, I took that into consideration. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted me to be happy. You do? Well why would you want me to settle for someone that doesn't make me happy? So I would at least have someone around, you say? No, I don't need to "get back on the horse" that bad. I raised my standards since my last relationship. I'm never going accept less than I think I deserve again. No, that doesn't make me a high maintenance bitch, but it does make you an inconsiderate asshole.
There is nothing more infuriating than having someone tell me how to live my life. Especially after I have made a decision for myself and someone tells me I'm stupid because it wasn't how they would have handled the situation. Fuck you, you're a horrible person
There are several other ways to piss me off. Smacking your food, squeaking your wet shoes on the tile floor, farting in an elevator. But those things up there? Don't fucking do them. They should piss everyone off, not just me. If you do these things, you are a horrible person.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Encounters with bugs
Bugs are nasty. I don't like them, but I can tolerate them. Spiders? Spiders terrify the living shit out of me. Same thing with bees, wasps, hornets. They are all the same thing and they all about drive me crazy because I'm so scared of them. I don't know why. Or maybe I do. I've had some pretty horrific encounters with these creatures that can make even the manliest man cringe.
June Bugs:
June Bugs are relatively harmless. They fly around in your grass during the summer and go away the rest of the year. I think that's great because that means I only have to sprint through my front yard like a drunken lunatic a few weeks out of the year. Why would I be scared of a June Bug you ask? They are harmless, or I thought they were until my childhood was ruined by grandmotherly fun.
My Mamaw and I were very close before she passed away when I was in 3rd grade. I used to go to her house all the time and during the summer we would always go outside and catch June Bugs. I was probably 6 or 7 at the time this took place. I don't know about your grandparents, but Mamaw would always catch a June Bug and tie a piece of thread to it's leg and let me fly it around like a little kite. That was the coolest shit ever. I always loved that. One day we were sitting on the front porch and she had caught me a June Bug and I was flying that bastard everywhere. It was buzzing in circles and we were having a great time. I remember I was laughing and I watched it fly up in the air and then it flew back at my face like a missile and it attached itself to my upper lip. It grabbed my fucking upper lip with its grubby little feelers and started pulling it back and forth. I screamed. I couldn't get it off. I was 6 years old, running around on the front porch with a June Bug kite attached to my lip. Mamaw couldn't help me. She was laughing too hard which traumatized me all the more. Finally she composed herself long enough to rip that thing off and throw it in the yard. I've never been the same. I'm 18 years old and I KNOW they won't hurt me but I still run through the yard like I've got a rabid beast on my tail.
Bees/Wasps:
I've never really known what it's felt like to be stung by a bee. My sister used to get stung all the time and I'd made it through life completely unscathed until I was about 13 years old.
We live in a small town and at the time there wasn't a Lowes or Home Depot to shop at. We had to drive 30 minutes to get to the closest one. We made a family trip up there because my sister and I were too young to stay alone for an extended period of time. My Papaw needed to go too, so he also made the trip. It was still early spring so it was warm enough for a t-shirt, but cold enough that you still needed pants. We got out, shopped, and came back to get in the car. There was a yellow jacket buzzing around us and it was getting kind of close to my face, so I swatted at it and got in the car. I didn't think anything of it and put my seat belt on and we went to McDonalds to get some fries. On our way home I was eating my little box of fries and I felt something kind of tickle my leg. I shifted positions and it stopped. We continued down the road and I felt it again, only this time it was higher and it felt like it was crawling. I mashed down on it before thinking and I'll be damned if that little fucker yellow jacket that I swatted at hadn't crawled up my pants and GET STUCK IN MY THIGH. I had ridden in the car AT LEAST 15 minutes. I threw my fries everywhere and started screaming -- trying to take my pants off. My dad pulled over and mom got out and we pulled my pants down right there on the side of the road. My little white ass was a shining everyone. Mom took a Kleenex and scraped the guts and smushed wings off my leg and pulled the stinger out. I did some deep breathing and tried to compose myself. After a few minutes of that I pulled my pants up with what little dignity I had left and got back in the car. I've never been stung since, but that one time will do me for the rest of my life.
Spiders:
Spiders are the worst things ever. It doesn't matter if they are big or small. They are bad. And evil. Grandaddy Long legs? Get the fuck out. Little black spiders? Hell no. But you have to deal with them. It's inevitable. But one thing you shouldn't count on? Mutant spiders the size of a fucking apple. I was at my house with a friend of mine. We were watching Juno. The TV is the focal point of the room with our fireplace and rock hearth to the right of it. I just happened to look down and see this black blob in the floor. I thought my dog had pooped or maybe we had left a sock in the floor so I got up to investigate. Oh, how wrong I was. As I got closer I could make out the shape. It was a spider. A huge, mutant, I swear to God the size of an apple, spider. I squealed and told my friend to come kill it. It turns out, she is equally afraid of spiders and wouldn't touch it. I wasn't going to touch it and risk losing a limb and of course there were no adults within 20 minutes of us. My parents gone somewhere and hers at a party. Our movie sat unwatched as we focused on the spiders every move. It went in front of the tv and circled around back. My dog, who was known to eat bugs and spiders was trying to get near it. I had to grab her and keep her with me because if she had eaten it, it would have killed her. Finally, it started getting really close to us.. probably within 10 feet, and my friend called her parents. Of course, they were pissed that we called them about a spider, but she was on the verge of tears so they said they would be there in 10 minutes. 10 minutes. 10 feet. We couldn't stand on the floor. What if it came after us? I couldn't put my dog down. What if she ate it? So we spent the next 10 minutes furniture hopping. That thing got right under our coffee table which I was standing on. It was massive. It had some beef on it. Hairy.. geez. I just got goosebumps. Her parents still weren't there and I couldn't let it go under the sofa where it was headed next or we'd lose it forever. I took a hardback book that my mom had on the table and I lifted it up as high as I could, aimed, and slammed it down right on top of the spider. Fucking spider babies went everywhere. Thousands of them. I screamed. My friend screamed just as her parents were walking in the door. They were laughing at us of course but all the laughter stopped as soon as her dad picked up the book and saw the spider and it's babies. He stomped all over them and flushed what he could. It was easily one of the nastiest things I had ever seen. I had to Google that later so I could find out what it was. It turns out the spider was a wolf spider and they carry their babies on their backs.
I'd show a picture but it's 12:17 am and I will literally have nightmares because spiders scare me so much. You'll have to Google wolf spider with babies on it's back yourself.
I've had some other unfortunate encounters with bugs. The worst is being in the shower minding your own business and looking up to find a spider staring at you while you're naked. I can't get out of there fast enough. It scares the hell out of me every time. But those three examples are why I'm a little chicken shit. After dealing with all that if I want to ask my dad to kill a bug, I'm going to. The only good bug is a dead bug and I don't think women's rights are worth shit if it means I can't as a man to do my bug squashing.
June Bugs:
June Bugs are relatively harmless. They fly around in your grass during the summer and go away the rest of the year. I think that's great because that means I only have to sprint through my front yard like a drunken lunatic a few weeks out of the year. Why would I be scared of a June Bug you ask? They are harmless, or I thought they were until my childhood was ruined by grandmotherly fun.
My Mamaw and I were very close before she passed away when I was in 3rd grade. I used to go to her house all the time and during the summer we would always go outside and catch June Bugs. I was probably 6 or 7 at the time this took place. I don't know about your grandparents, but Mamaw would always catch a June Bug and tie a piece of thread to it's leg and let me fly it around like a little kite. That was the coolest shit ever. I always loved that. One day we were sitting on the front porch and she had caught me a June Bug and I was flying that bastard everywhere. It was buzzing in circles and we were having a great time. I remember I was laughing and I watched it fly up in the air and then it flew back at my face like a missile and it attached itself to my upper lip. It grabbed my fucking upper lip with its grubby little feelers and started pulling it back and forth. I screamed. I couldn't get it off. I was 6 years old, running around on the front porch with a June Bug kite attached to my lip. Mamaw couldn't help me. She was laughing too hard which traumatized me all the more. Finally she composed herself long enough to rip that thing off and throw it in the yard. I've never been the same. I'm 18 years old and I KNOW they won't hurt me but I still run through the yard like I've got a rabid beast on my tail.
 |
| Harmless my asshole. NO ONE IS SAFE. NO ONE. |
Bees/Wasps:
I've never really known what it's felt like to be stung by a bee. My sister used to get stung all the time and I'd made it through life completely unscathed until I was about 13 years old.
We live in a small town and at the time there wasn't a Lowes or Home Depot to shop at. We had to drive 30 minutes to get to the closest one. We made a family trip up there because my sister and I were too young to stay alone for an extended period of time. My Papaw needed to go too, so he also made the trip. It was still early spring so it was warm enough for a t-shirt, but cold enough that you still needed pants. We got out, shopped, and came back to get in the car. There was a yellow jacket buzzing around us and it was getting kind of close to my face, so I swatted at it and got in the car. I didn't think anything of it and put my seat belt on and we went to McDonalds to get some fries. On our way home I was eating my little box of fries and I felt something kind of tickle my leg. I shifted positions and it stopped. We continued down the road and I felt it again, only this time it was higher and it felt like it was crawling. I mashed down on it before thinking and I'll be damned if that little fucker yellow jacket that I swatted at hadn't crawled up my pants and GET STUCK IN MY THIGH. I had ridden in the car AT LEAST 15 minutes. I threw my fries everywhere and started screaming -- trying to take my pants off. My dad pulled over and mom got out and we pulled my pants down right there on the side of the road. My little white ass was a shining everyone. Mom took a Kleenex and scraped the guts and smushed wings off my leg and pulled the stinger out. I did some deep breathing and tried to compose myself. After a few minutes of that I pulled my pants up with what little dignity I had left and got back in the car. I've never been stung since, but that one time will do me for the rest of my life.
Spiders:
Spiders are the worst things ever. It doesn't matter if they are big or small. They are bad. And evil. Grandaddy Long legs? Get the fuck out. Little black spiders? Hell no. But you have to deal with them. It's inevitable. But one thing you shouldn't count on? Mutant spiders the size of a fucking apple. I was at my house with a friend of mine. We were watching Juno. The TV is the focal point of the room with our fireplace and rock hearth to the right of it. I just happened to look down and see this black blob in the floor. I thought my dog had pooped or maybe we had left a sock in the floor so I got up to investigate. Oh, how wrong I was. As I got closer I could make out the shape. It was a spider. A huge, mutant, I swear to God the size of an apple, spider. I squealed and told my friend to come kill it. It turns out, she is equally afraid of spiders and wouldn't touch it. I wasn't going to touch it and risk losing a limb and of course there were no adults within 20 minutes of us. My parents gone somewhere and hers at a party. Our movie sat unwatched as we focused on the spiders every move. It went in front of the tv and circled around back. My dog, who was known to eat bugs and spiders was trying to get near it. I had to grab her and keep her with me because if she had eaten it, it would have killed her. Finally, it started getting really close to us.. probably within 10 feet, and my friend called her parents. Of course, they were pissed that we called them about a spider, but she was on the verge of tears so they said they would be there in 10 minutes. 10 minutes. 10 feet. We couldn't stand on the floor. What if it came after us? I couldn't put my dog down. What if she ate it? So we spent the next 10 minutes furniture hopping. That thing got right under our coffee table which I was standing on. It was massive. It had some beef on it. Hairy.. geez. I just got goosebumps. Her parents still weren't there and I couldn't let it go under the sofa where it was headed next or we'd lose it forever. I took a hardback book that my mom had on the table and I lifted it up as high as I could, aimed, and slammed it down right on top of the spider. Fucking spider babies went everywhere. Thousands of them. I screamed. My friend screamed just as her parents were walking in the door. They were laughing at us of course but all the laughter stopped as soon as her dad picked up the book and saw the spider and it's babies. He stomped all over them and flushed what he could. It was easily one of the nastiest things I had ever seen. I had to Google that later so I could find out what it was. It turns out the spider was a wolf spider and they carry their babies on their backs.
I'd show a picture but it's 12:17 am and I will literally have nightmares because spiders scare me so much. You'll have to Google wolf spider with babies on it's back yourself.
I've had some other unfortunate encounters with bugs. The worst is being in the shower minding your own business and looking up to find a spider staring at you while you're naked. I can't get out of there fast enough. It scares the hell out of me every time. But those three examples are why I'm a little chicken shit. After dealing with all that if I want to ask my dad to kill a bug, I'm going to. The only good bug is a dead bug and I don't think women's rights are worth shit if it means I can't as a man to do my bug squashing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)